Do Not Try This At Home

CAVEAT: Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home. — Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Good Omens

You know those ads, the ones of those daredevils racing up a stone pillar in Arizona or athletes climbing down a cliff perched about a river. What does the ad always say? Do not try this at home. 

I do love the Mythbusters. But do I learn from their cautionary tales? No.

Apparently I didn't think this warning applied to me. As the GAL (Gluten-free Allergy Challenged Living) blogger, I make my own versions of comfort foods and basic ingredients. I don't try, I DO. What can I say, I am a big Yoda fan.

"Do. Or do not. There is no try." The gnome has nothing to add.

This week I was bound and determined to make my own version of sweetened condensed milk using coconut sugar and whole grass-fed cow milk.  It involves a very slow process on the stove of cooking the milk and sugar mixture to get the milk condensed, just like making an au jus or other condensed gravy from meat juices. But it wouldn't thicken.  Silly me. I thought I would cook it longer. Silly me. I ended up with a burnt pan. Silly me. I tried it again but it wouldn't thicken.  I decided not to risk another pan or package of sugar or gallon of milk.

Sigh. In a bad way.

Lesson: There is a reason Mr. Borden received kudos for his invention of sweetened condensed milk. Industralized canning has its place. Do not try this at home. 

If you look at Pinterest, there are plenty of recipes that start out looking like one thing and end up looking like another.  DIY blow pops. DIY Poptarts. DIY Thin Mints. Think of the possibilities. Now think of the disasters that could occur from sticking a piece of bubble gum on a stick and placing it in hot sugar water. Or trying to make sure both sides of a fake poptart don't come apart in the toaster. Or the fantasy of a homemade thin mint being thin!  Do you really believe they look like the pictures?

Lesson: There is a reason all those treats are perfectly formed when you take them out of the box or bag. Homemade reality isn't as pretty as fantasy or industrial production. Plus, do you really need more carbs in the house? Do not try this at home.

I think a lot of recipes for "look alike" foods are doomed to failure just like those commercials where someone has said "Get me someone who sounds like Morgan Freeman." People can tell it isn't Morgan Freeman. Saying "I want someone who looks exactly like Liam Neeson in Schindler's List or Love Actually" is just as impossible. Iconic people, just like iconic treats or ingredients or quick foods, can't be replicated.

Have I spoiled your dreams? Or relieved your guilt over that five piece set of pots you ruined trying to  recreate a restaurant's signature dish?  Have you had an epic fail? Or have you developed the perfect substitute for an ingredient or dish because you are way more proficient than I am at such things?  

 

Chicken Wings and Concrete things

Do you have critters in your yard? I’m not talking birds or bees or foxes or squirrels or, sigh, mosquitoes.  I’m talking little statues.   You may have a little girl on display in your flower garden or a dog placed under a tree marking the spot where your dear pet is buried.  Is there a clay bunny running across the grass or cement chickens like the ones around my mail box?

Our town allows us to raise chickens in city limits now. Maybe I will switch to the real thing.

I confess I am a fan of all sorts of concrete statues, from the religious shrines found along trails in Europe to the wolf mascots for our beloved NC State to the unexpected Yoda.   

The salesman and I had a long conversation about the philosophy of Yoda and the reason for the statue's popularity. 

 Folks may have inherited their statues and love from their grandparents in the country. Some may want to echo the gardens in Italy. Others just plain love kitsch.  I guess for me it is a bit of all the above.  I inherited a garden bench, fox, turtle and Japanese fountain from my mom.  I've seen lovely statues in gardens in France. I have preschool grandchildren I love to see smile. That explains my giant snail right there!

Got this from my mom. The grandchildren love to pat its head.

I created a gravel garden this week from a corner that doesn’t grow anything unless the plant is a survivor of the best kind.  But gravel gardens need more than a few hardy plants. They need focal points. I found a gold mine this week at J and C Garden Statues across from the Farmers Market.  Giraffes, elephants, moose, lions, bison, hippos.  I could create my own zoo for my grandchildren. There were trains, tractors, and trucks. There were also very poignant statues of Jesus and marvelous crosses.  Good sense prevailed.   Good taste, I think, prevailed and I found a couple of pieces for my gravel garden.

But there was one that gave me a good laugh and a craving for Buffalo wings.  Stay with me here.

The butler chicken's sign reads "Eat More Beef!" It was only a matter of time before the chickens rebelled!  

I am sure it wasn’t the butler chicken’s intent. After all, he is carrying a sign that says “eat more beef!” Maybe it was the giant chicken behind him with the giant limbs. But Buffalo wings were all I could think of this week while I worked in my garden! Hot and spicy, eat with your fingers, protein.

Before I share my recipe, I need to get this off my chest: Why didn't one of my friends tell me Buffalo chicken wing sauce is the simplest thing to make? My New York friends, especially. What a relief. Restaurant wing sauce is full of things that are bad for me like corn sweeteners and thickeners. But I love the hot sauce taste, the ritual of licking my fingers and cooling my mouth with blue cheese dressing, celery and carrots.  So like with everything else, I have been on a mission to create something that would taste good and not send me into anaphylactic shock.

I’ve experimented with different recipes of how to prepare the chicken wings and drummettes.  Now, I must admit I bake rather than fry my wings for health reasons but I make the sauce the way it should be made – with butter and Frank's Original Cayenne Pepper Sauce. Love that stuff. It sets your mouth on fire, clears out the sinuses and wakes you up! The NY crowd may know the history of the wings. I am just glad to have discovered Frank's. Simple list of ingredients. No xanthan gum and just the right tang. Mix it with butter, a few of my own spices and voila.  

Be warned. Most baked recipes that say they are healthier than fried have a load of salt in the mix. There is sodium in Frank's so I go light on the salt and focus on a few added spices.  Traditional recipes add cayenne and black pepper but Man O likes to eat without fear of eyes watering. Not manly to cry, ya know. 

Here is the recipe for my Toned Down and Healthied Up Buffalo Chicken Wings:

Two 1lbs drummettes and/or wings, coated in a bit of olive oil and baked at 400 degrees for 40-45 minutes. You can also put it on a rack to keep it out of the juices and make the skin crispier.

Take out of the oven and toss in a bowl with the Buffalo sauce you have already made of the following ingredients:

1 tablespoon butter, melted
1/4 cup hot pepper sauce
1/4 teaspoon ground celery seed or celery salt
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard or squirt yellow mustard
Salt, optional to taste.

(Again, if you like it hot as the middle of summer on an asphalt parking lot in NYC, sub back in the cayenne and black pepper, same amounts.)

Melt butter and mix in other ingredients. Drizzle over wings and drummettes. Serve with celery and carrot sticks accompanied by ranch and bleu cheese dressing.

It is easy, simple, and gives me more time in the garden.  But I'm having nightmares about that giant chicken chasing me down!