Do Not Try This At Home

CAVEAT: Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home. — Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Good Omens

You know those ads, the ones of those daredevils racing up a stone pillar in Arizona or athletes climbing down a cliff perched about a river. What does the ad always say? Do not try this at home. 

I do love the Mythbusters. But do I learn from their cautionary tales? No.

Apparently I didn't think this warning applied to me. As the GAL (Gluten-free Allergy Challenged Living) blogger, I make my own versions of comfort foods and basic ingredients. I don't try, I DO. What can I say, I am a big Yoda fan.

"Do. Or do not. There is no try." The gnome has nothing to add.

This week I was bound and determined to make my own version of sweetened condensed milk using coconut sugar and whole grass-fed cow milk.  It involves a very slow process on the stove of cooking the milk and sugar mixture to get the milk condensed, just like making an au jus or other condensed gravy from meat juices. But it wouldn't thicken.  Silly me. I thought I would cook it longer. Silly me. I ended up with a burnt pan. Silly me. I tried it again but it wouldn't thicken.  I decided not to risk another pan or package of sugar or gallon of milk.

Sigh. In a bad way.

Lesson: There is a reason Mr. Borden received kudos for his invention of sweetened condensed milk. Industralized canning has its place. Do not try this at home. 

If you look at Pinterest, there are plenty of recipes that start out looking like one thing and end up looking like another.  DIY blow pops. DIY Poptarts. DIY Thin Mints. Think of the possibilities. Now think of the disasters that could occur from sticking a piece of bubble gum on a stick and placing it in hot sugar water. Or trying to make sure both sides of a fake poptart don't come apart in the toaster. Or the fantasy of a homemade thin mint being thin!  Do you really believe they look like the pictures?

Lesson: There is a reason all those treats are perfectly formed when you take them out of the box or bag. Homemade reality isn't as pretty as fantasy or industrial production. Plus, do you really need more carbs in the house? Do not try this at home.

I think a lot of recipes for "look alike" foods are doomed to failure just like those commercials where someone has said "Get me someone who sounds like Morgan Freeman." People can tell it isn't Morgan Freeman. Saying "I want someone who looks exactly like Liam Neeson in Schindler's List or Love Actually" is just as impossible. Iconic people, just like iconic treats or ingredients or quick foods, can't be replicated.

Have I spoiled your dreams? Or relieved your guilt over that five piece set of pots you ruined trying to  recreate a restaurant's signature dish?  Have you had an epic fail? Or have you developed the perfect substitute for an ingredient or dish because you are way more proficient than I am at such things?