If Chuck Norris Made Apple Pie

Hello, everybody!! The Fresh Pioneer is back and this post is inspired by several different things.

ONE

 

 

 

 France. Specifically, the city of Lyon. I didn't live there but I lived in a town like it, about forty minutes away, toward Troyes.

TWO

 

 

These are apples. You can't really celebrate Fall without apples. You can eat them raw, or caramel apples or.... well, you can see all the ways from the cartoon we all remember of Johnny Appleseed, Disney version here!

 

THREE

 

Chuck Norris! 

 

I read a really funny Chuck Norris joke. (Hi, Jimmy!) You know, those ones like "the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris" and "Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone" and "Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his bedroom; the bear isn't dead, it's just afraid to move".

Well, I read one that said, "When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes an apple pie, and it's the best steak you'll ever eat."

 

I don't know why that struck me as SO FUNNY. But it did. And I started thinking about making an apple pie that wasn't a pie. We've had apple pie here twice lately and but I still have lots of apples and lots of hungry, dessert-loving kids!

 

 

 

So, that brings us to Tarte Tatin! If you're not sure how to pronounce it, here's the phonological description:\ˌtär(t)-tä-ˈtan, -ˈtaⁿ\

Oh, that's not helpful? Well, I guess we all can't have linguistics degrees, I suppose. (OW! Julie just poked my ego with a sharp stick! Fine...)  I kept saying it to my husband until he told me, "That sounds like the end of a song." HA! Okay, true. Dun dun-DUN.

 

Anyway, moving on!

You'll need:

 

For the filling-

8 TBS butter

3/4 cups sugar

6-8 apples

 

For the crust-

1 stick plus 2 TBS butter

2 TBS sugar

2 eggs

1 1/2 cup flour

pinch of salt

2-3 TBS of cold water

 Like so. What a pretty bowl! It's had an adventurous life so far. Something about a very friendly dog...

 Two eggs from the chicken coop. And a walnut. Not sure why that was brought to me when I asked for two eggs, but kids are funny that way.

 Make a well with the flour, salt, sugar. Add in the eggs and the butter.

 Mix with your fingers. Ok, if Chuck Norris can do it, we can, too! (Don't even ask if he can rub eggs into flour without feeling squicked out. He's CHUCK NORRIS.)

 Add cold water a TBS at a time until the dough forms a ball. Wrap it in plastic and put it in the fridge to chill for 30 minutes. It seemed like it was an awful lot of dough for crust. I mean, it's actually just one crust, not even two and it's the size of a kitten. And heavy. (Hold me, Chuck! I'm scared I'm doing this all wrong!)

 Add the butter and sugar in a cast iron pan.

 Stir as the butter melts. (Or employ a child to stir so you can go check your e-mail and read more Chuck Norris jokes.) Medium high heat seems way too hot for this, but this is really the way to go. Stay the course approximately 15 minutes. We're trying to get...

 Caramel. YUMMY. Resist the urge to eat it out of the pan. For one, it's SUPER HOT. Two, we need it.

 Chop apples in half. Skin and core. Layer onto the caramel. (Like how I said that so fast? As if chopping 8 apples takes only a few seconds? That is the genius of a food blog, my friends.)

 Now, several recipes did NOT mention this, but one did, and it was from an actual FRENCH recipe site. (I'm assuming they know what they're doing.) They said add 2 TBS of lemon juice. Sounded good to me. I'm pretty sure it's not so the apples won't turn brown. Boil the apples for 15 minutes on high, turning once.

 It probably seems like a recipe for a disaster. (ha! Recipe! Get it?) Boiling sugar on high for 15 minutes without really stirring?? But, don't wimp out and turn down the heat. The apples will cook more slowly if you do, and then you'll have a huge sticky mess clumped to the bottom of your pan.

 Take the dough out of the fridge and roll out it, so that it's  a couple inches bigger than the diameter of your  pan. (It actually wasn't that much dough so I told Chuck Norris to buzz off. He was getting a little clingy, anyway. I mean, once you've seen a few of those karate moves, you've seen them all, right?) Preheat the oven to 375F.

 Turn off the heat and let it cool for ten minutes. Tuck the crust around the top of the apples but be careful not to burn your fingers. Even thought it's been cooling, these pans stay hot, hot, hot. I have to admit, at this point I was wondering if something had gone wrong. This looked like an apple pie's ugly barbaric cousin.

 Cook about 35 minutes or until the top is browned. (Now I was really sure I'd screwed it up. I was already thinking, "Hm, I wonder what else I can make with all these apples.")

Cool for approximately 20 minutes and invert. You can slip a plate on the top and flip the whole thing over, but that takes some muscle. I actually did a slow slide, turning the Dutch oven until the pie turned gently onto a plate. I had to replace a few apples but it saved my wrists. (And you KNOW how I watch those wrists! These are my writing hands! Must... save... the hands....)

 SHOCKER! It looked so pretty! I was very surprised at how beautiful it was!

 I cut a piece and admired it some more. It held its shape but wasn't tooth-breakingly hard. The apples had softened the caramel and the caramel had seeped into the apples and the crust was like a very sticky cookie, but a bit flaky, too.

 Another shot of the goodness....
I was thinking it didn't quite taste like the Tarte Tatin I remembered from France. I thought it could have used some cardamom or cinnamon or vanilla or... something. But I searched and searched and no recipe ever mentioned any other ingredients (well, unless it was some crazy SoHo New York City one that needed goat cheese and pistachios). So, it's probably just how the memory is better than the reality. Even though the reality is AWESOME.

And here is a last shot of what was left after ten minutes. Mmmm-hmmmmm.
I'll leave you with one more Chuck Norris joke:

 

Chuck's gmail account address is:

gmail@chucknorris.com

 

This took me a second. I assume you'll get it a little faster since I'm overdosed on Tarte Tatin!

 Until next time!